When advice isn't what you needed

When we share our struggles, we're often not looking for someone to solve our problems. Instead, we're seeking connection and the comfort of knowing we're not alone.

This disconnect happens because many of us believe that helping means fixing. We jump to providing solutions because we care and want to ease suffering, and sometimes our own discomfort. It feels productive, actionable, and concrete. But in doing so, we might miss what the person actually needs most: just our presence.

When we open up about our challenges, we're rarely seeking advice that we haven't already considered. More often, we're:

• Looking for connection and reassurance that we're not alone in our struggles
• Inviting someone into our inner world through vulnerable sharing
• Processing our thoughts and feelings aloud
• Seeking validation that our feelings are understandable

The act of sharing vulnerably is often
an invitation to witness our experience,
not necessarily to change it.

When this vulnerability is met with immediate problem-solving, it can feel like our emotions are being dismissed or that our capacity to handle our own challenges is being questioned.

There are several reasons why people might default to offering solutions rather than simply listening:

• They genuinely believe offering solutions is the best way to be supportive
• They may be preoccupied, stressed, or emotionally exhausted themselves
• They assume you want solutions rather than just a listening ear
• They don't fully understand your unique experience or feelings about the situation

This tendency toward problem-solving often comes from a genuine desire to help. But understanding the impact it has can help us become better supporters.

When we're seeking support and instead receive unsolicited advice, it can feel like:

• A missed opportunity for genuine connection
• A subtle suggestion that we should be handling things differently
• Being handed a map when what we needed was someone to walk beside us

These experiences can leave us feeling more isolated and misunderstood, rather than supported and connected.

If you want to truly support someone but aren't sure what they need, there's a simple yet powerful question you can ask:

"Would you like me to support you by listening, or are you looking for advice?"

This question acknowledges that different situations call for different kinds of support. It gives the person sharing the agency to decide what would be most helpful to them in that moment. It also demonstrates your commitment to being present in the way that serves them best.

When someone listens without immediately trying to fix our situation, they validate our experience and emotions. This itself can feel healing for us.

Being genuinely present with someone in their struggle, and without trying to change it, fix it, or make it better requires courage and restraint. It asks us to sit with discomfort and resist the urge to fill silence with solutions.

Supporting others isn't always about choosing between listening and advising, sometimes it's about knowing when each is appropriate. The key is to follow the lead of the person sharing and to check in about what would be most helpful.

By becoming more intentional about how we respond when others open up to us, we create safer spaces for vulnerability and genuine connection. And in a world where many feel increasingly isolated, these connections become more valuable than ever.

• Have you experienced feeling disconnected after sharing something vulnerable?
• When you share difficulties with others, what kind of support are you typically seeking?
• How might you create more space for listening in your important relationships?

Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is simply be present, listen deeply, and remind someone they're not alone in their struggle.

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